Comfortably Numb

We all know that expression: “Comfortably Numb”. But, does anyone know what it really means? I think I might. Today anyway.

All these changes I’ve made in my life have put in motion a wave of not-so-pleasent things. Change is difficult. Major change is practically painful. Except that, if you’re one of the lucky ones (like me), the end result might be bliss. Yes, I said bliss.

I’m sitting at my dining room table enjoying my coffee and I’m looking out at blank walls, empty drawers, cabinets and old trunks with no treasures in them. Most of my things are in storage now. I’m on the last leg.

Saying goodbye to your life as you know it, and have known it for years, is really… uncomfortable. REALLY uncomfortable. I’m feeling sad, unsure, insecure, worried and just plain petrified! I spent some time crying over the last few weeks as I packed up my things. BUT, I also spent some time being excited about what the future holds. Uncertainty can be exciting right? I know a few people who cringe at uncertainty. It really freaks me out too. But, at the same time, I feel the good kind of butterflies in my stomach.

On Monday, Nancy and I booked our flights to California. We’re doing The Coast. I may have floated home that night.

I sold my car. I’m getting another. In a few weeks. Feels strange.

I read an interesting article yesterday. Made me smile. It was about detoxing your life – getting rid of the things (and people) that tie us down – just for a little while. Me = house, stuff, car, stuff… Funny.

I still feel sad when I pull into the driveway and Jacob’s car is not there. I sometimes still can’t believe he’s gone. But, he’s doing so well. I’m so proud of him. I miss him.

I have been going through so many emotions each day that my brain has essentially shut down. I’ve become numb. But an OK numb. A content numb. A looking-forward-to-the-future numb. It will be nice to say “Hey, I have some extra money this week – I’m going to put it in Jacob’s account.” Or “Wow, that’s a great deal for a weekend in NYC. Who’s game?” That part will be FUN!

I don’t have good or bad “days” anymore. I have “moments”.

I saw Patrick’s mom last night and she told me he takes his monster truck everywhere. I love that she told me that. I was so proud. I hated making that damn thing but hearing her say that made it worth it. I’m still never making another.

I haven’t been knitting. I’m packing. And, I kind of just don’t feel inspired.

Tomorrow, all the furniture comes out.  It will be fine.  Right?

In 9 days, I will be on a flight heading towards my first adventure: Chicago. All will be well.